From my first visit to Albania I have always stuck out like a sore thumb. I am, this is no secret, a large man. My height alone makes me an imposing person, but add to that my weight and I become a bit of a, for the lack of a better term, freak here. My first visit this was very hard for me to over come. I always felt like people were staring and laughing at me.
I have always felt a certain awkwardness that comes with being larger than most. Growing up I deflected this through humor I rationalized in my mind that if I could get people laughing at my jokes or crazy behavior then all attention would be diverted from anything else. Those of you who know me know that I still like to joke around and cut up and I guess this is carry over from my younger years.
I am smaller now than I have ever been since I have been coming to Albania. Yet I still find myself always looking around and checking to see who is looking at me and if they are making fun. I do not guess I will ever outgrow this feeling of insecurity that I have. It is one of those things I have just gotten used to and try to work around.
The bottom line is that as a child of God I should live into the reality that he loves me in spite of my outward appearances. Each and everyone of us is a unique creation of God. He loves us whether we are tall or short, large or small, white or black. Of course there are things about my appearance that I will never be satisfied with but how I look does not determine my self worth nor my standing with God. At some point I will have to get over the fact that I am a giant, especially if it is just in my own mind.
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